Mom’s Apple Pie and American Flag Co. Inc.

My Dear Hillsborough Florida County Commissioner;

Let me reintroduce myself. I am Mom, of Mom’s Apple Pie and American Flag Co., Inc.

I would like your assistance in getting one hundred of my local employees into affordable housing through a low-income, first-time home buyer program.

Although I have Apple Pie factories in your county and throughout the United States, (our American Flags are made in China) I cannot afford to pay our low-wage, part-time, no-benefit workers enough for them to qualify to buy single-family homes on their own.

I am new to this, so I may miss a few important points.

Please approve a “financing plan” from your county Housing Finance Authority to issue bonds to buy these GNMA (Ginnie Mae) guaranteed mortgages from my son’s bank. $250,000,000 should be enough.

With the help of another son, the MERS System registered mortgages can then be “pooled” or “bundled” into municipal tax-exempt securities which my other son the stock broker,  can now sell to investors and repay the original bond buyers.  Since I am his mom, he will put me at the head of the line for me to buy.

Ya gotta admire a loving son.

Please don’t mind that MERS related mortgages are not subject to county filing fees each time those mortgages are subsequently transferred.

Think of the ease of mind this poor old widow-woman will have with such an investment that will not be subject to taxes and which both the principal and the interest payments are guaranteed by the Federal Government (taxpayers). In the unfortunate event that I have to “outsource” my employees, (China makes a great Apple Pie too) and their homes go into foreclosure, I will still be taken care of by the taxpayers.

Another son is in the mortgage foreclosure business. He doesn’t need many skilled, high-wage employees, he needs only someone who can scribble a signature (robo-sign) on the documents needed for the county. His teen-aged daughter (now working at Burger King) can do this. Please let the county employees sort out the discrepancies. The county judges won’t need to spend much time as they can easily handle many of these cases (rocket-docket) in one day.

Anther son is in the real estate investment business and will be buying many of these foreclosed homes at cents-on-the-dollar. With yet another son who is a real estate broker, they will sell these homes to new first-time home buyers.

Soon, sufficient time will have gone by so that I can once again expand my (economic development target industry) business and get lots of new tax incentives and tax credits for the new-hires. I might even ask the county to kick-in some land on which to build, if I can come up with enough promises.

So you can see, all of this is very good for Mom, Mom’s otherwise unemployed sons and Mom’s Apple Pie and American Flag Co., Inc.

Also remember that this happens without any “financial impact” to the county, unless you count the costs of lost filing fees and the cost of processing questionable foreclosure documents. Plus, we’ve always done it this way.

My employees, none of whom can vote but want to get involved with politics, are already talking about making maximum individual contributions to their favorite elected officials running for re-election. Ain’t democracy grand?

Oh, and please hurry. Congress is looking at a bill (H.R. 6460) that would prevent the Federal Government from guaranteeing these mortgage investments. Several counties have already filed law suits  for lost filing fees.

But hey, it’s for affordable housing
and Mom’s Apple Pie and American Flag Co., Inc.

Sincerely,
Your Mom

One Response to “Mom’s Apple Pie and American Flag Co. Inc.”

  1. Marilyn Smith Says:

    I love it…..the circle goes ’round and ’round.

    Does the writer expect to get an answer from any commissioner?

    First, I really do not think the majority understands what you have very carefully laid out. We even have a NEW commissioner who wants to do the BRIAN BLAIR BASH. COME 2012…she will be sorry for attacking our ENVIRONMENT….I am sure BLAIR regrets attacking out WET LANDS.

    Then as soon as the whoop tee doo is over about BASS PRO, watch carefully how the IMPLEMENTATION OF THE ORDINANCE ….comes back to the BOCC, to be tinkered with to make the ORDINANCE fit what CANEJO HAGAN wanted in the first place.

    There is a barrel of monkeys ready to frolic at the ready

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